


Loneliness Bay

by JayBarou



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Character, F/F, Genderbending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayBarou/pseuds/JayBarou
Summary: Handling doubt is not easy, even less so if you are supposed to be the same as your public image.





	Loneliness Bay

Toni had major issues, but she knew how to manage them in public: Handshakes and all the expected touches. But she had a problem with the middle ground.

She had found that when she was as touchy as she wanted to be, people got distracted. And by distracted she meant boners. She retreated gradually because she didn’t understand. She wanted an intelligent conversation and not end it with: now let’s fuck.   
She had never taken their offers, but still she was in the gossip magazines for being a slut and a Playboy bunny. If she had been born with a spanner between her legs he would be the king of the world. Probably even more so if biology had decided to give her a sex drive at all.

She controlled carefully her touches. She controlled her interactions, but even being a bitch was a turn-on for some. She was always unsure of when her hugs meant more than she intended, so she became nervous about those too. Even touching things being handled to her was uncomfortable.

Still, she had mostly grown out of it, had found several little labels and had learnt to respect and use to feel like someone who was not just a freak. She met people online, it was all a queer platonic mess.

She had also learnt to shut up about the labels she had taken for herself. Especially with her father. She came out one day, still not with a name for it, it was long before she knew the words, back then she thought of them as symptoms, and there had been serious discussions about going to the doctor about it. Toni didn’t blame her mother: she, like Toni herself back then, thought it was just a problem to solve.   
Her father had never let her try to understand herself. He had ranted about Steve Rogers and his bisexuality, because that was a struggle and not whatever happened to her.

Weirdly enough, he had been the first one to compare her… Condition, with a valid sexuality, even if it was just to deny it.

But back to her adult life, she was insecure about the middle ground. She had to push through her fear to be physically close to anybody. But once she hugged someone like Happy or Pepper she felt amazing.

The distrust never quite faded in the case of men and she jumped at any sign of lust or closeness that may be read as more.

She had tried to be normal, when she thought she wasn't, especially with those guys who looked like a match made in heaven for her. Especially with those who gave a shit about her; she couldn’t. Case in point: In her mid twenties she had decided that she’d go all the way through to prove herself something and because she loved and hoped that a chance would let her be more: disappointments abounded.

She had mastered the art of falling out of love in silence for that very same reason. When she was younger she used to be too busy with other stuff, or so she thought. Now she knew that was not all. It was easier to fall out of love than to carry the wound.

Nothing worked. She tried to get close to one of them who had showed interest. She pushed herself to stay quiet and still when he put his arm around her. Her skin was crawling the whole time and she told herself it might just be that way before getting used to it. And the occasion came up to sleep together.

She had taken the chance because that was probably a safe way to push herself, right?  
Oh the awkwardness! The tense immobility! She should have guessed. And it was kind of ok until morning, when he spooned her affectionately.   
She couldn’t do it. She had stayed still as the dead and she had run for the hills in the morning. She had thought herself a coward, and not only her, people just told her that she was scared and shouldn’t be.   
The guy had tried to stay in touch, the poor thing, he said he wanted the same Toni who had cuddled with him and asked what had happened to make her change. Toni didn’t know how to tell him without coming out.

She had only come out to a few people. Not Pepper, not Happy, only Rhodes, and he had joked, been outraged and told him all the usual bullshit about time, the right person… He had sent Toni pictures of hot men with messages: “not even this one?”

Toni had felt betrayed, but after a year the rocket scientist had stopped pestering her and had turned around, even spreading awareness a little. Toni had almost cried when she realized she had not actually lost a friend.

And then had come Natasha Fucking Romanova. Natalie, whatever. She was hot, she was strong, she was witty, she was intelligent, and she made Toni’s head scrambled eggs. The way she moved was the way all of Toni’s creations should try to move their hidraulics, so fluidly, such confidence, so very straight and 100% not into Toni.   
She had wasted a year figuring out if she had been a lesbian all this time and had simply not paid attention. She was so confused, because for her she’d have learnt to be more and do whatever was needed.   
But no. There was still no sex impulse. She wanted to fight her, see her, talk to her, keep her in her life, she was in love and enjoying too much the feeling to take the necessary precautions. She had been touchy and had let herself fall further down the rabbit hole.   
The wake up call had been the toughest thing in a while, not including Afghanistan, or Obie’s betrayal, or his parents’ death… Well it was maybe not the toughest, but it hurt. It had killed her hopes and her obsession, because it had been an obsession. Natasha being a shield agent was a punch in the gut, and her sick body was not ready for metaphorical punches.   
Still, once everything was said and done, Toni had realized she was foolishly still in love with the assassin. Not at first. At first she had been bitter and angry and she had ignored the redhead and hated her. Toni had gone numb and used all her tricks to fall out of love. But Natasha had stuck, she visited sometimes. Somewhere along the line she had become a friend. A no-bullshit one too who confronted Toni about her change of attitude.

Natasha was not a person who let herself be fooled. Toni had had to tell her ages ago about her being ace, and Natasha had accepted it seamlessly, with just a few questions that Tony answered without trouble. Natasha had hmmmed and accepted it to the point where Toni started to joke about donating virgin blood for magic rituals without feeling less than anyone for it and Natasha laughed freely. Toni didn’t really want to lose that, so the day Natasha half-apologized saying it was her job and a necessary evil, Toni had forgiven her before she could finish the sentence, and her crush had become something that didn’t completely destroy her thought process.

The chitaury invasion had happened, Toni met Loki, and despite the obvious mutual curiosity, nothing had happened.

Time had passed. Friends came and went, trust was built and shattered, Toni had to rebuild her foundatios so many times she hardly knew what or who she was anymore. As if doubts had not followed her during her whole life enough already.

Loki had appeared again. She had been using a female form since her last plot. Natasha always said it was probably a defense mechanism to distance themselves from something.   
Whatever it was, Toni liked it.

And she liked it even more when she appeared wherever Toni was at the time to just flyte and no other reason. Loki had been doing the same to the other former avengers, pranking, stealing beers, helping herself to sleeping on their couches and disappearing whenever she felt like it.

Toni was amused, but she seemed to be the only one. It was like having a wild grey African parrot as a flatmate. Stress in the “wild” part.   
Still, the trickster took her mind from the routine of self loathing even when she was not there. Toni had fun filling the beers in his refrigerator with vinegar and soldering them closed again.  
Leaving the Eddas around with comments on the sides, a post it on the goat and the rope chapter “no wonder you went female after this. Anything to avoid a repeat?”.  
And Loki sometimes simply appeared in a sidescreen on her TV when Toni was watching something and the film Toni was watching became a director’s commentary but more sarcastic.  
Toni secretly loved movie nights with Loki, something she had started doing regularly and Loki never failed to appear. Until Toni suggested to come out of the screen with her and share the popcorn.   
Oi and behold, she did.   
And Toni had made the jump unconsciously days later. She had put her feet on Loki’s lap and had not been pushed away nor repulsed, so Toni kept going with small touches that felt natural. And somehow that meant that Toni could lean against her, and draw silly patterns on Loki’s skin or sit on the backrest and play with Loki’s hair whenever the Trikster was just there reading and not doing much more.   
Sometimes Loki talked when Tony was petting her. It would have been the best way of extracting secrets if Toni had been still with shield.

And then there was the incident. The moment when things changed. That time when both fell asleep on the couch and Toni had shifted in her sleep until she was the big spoon, despite being so much shorter. When she woke up, Loki was drawing circles on Toni’s hand with her thumb. She was not completely relaxed and she was so very quiet despite the fact that she must have noticed Toni was awake.

They stayed there not saying anything, maybe hoping that any awkwardness would ebb away on its own.

“I must go.”  
Toni somehow knew this was not just any goodbye.   
“If you must I'll let you, but I’m not pushing you away.”  
“I know.”  
Toni, with a little trepidation, went to comb the dark hair to keep her from leaving too soon. It worked.   
Loki relaxed minutely and kept quiet for a few minutes. Toni knew how to manage wires, not braids, but she was excellent at knot making.   
Finally Loki seemed to have found an order to his thoughts.

“I can’t stay. I know where this wild horse is running to, and I can’t… no, won’t meet your expectations. I won’t apologize for making you think, letting you in, I won’t, I’ve enjoyed it too much to pretend I’m sorry.”   
“And where exactly is that? what are the expectations exactly?”  
“I’m afraid I thought you were interested in men, so your advances were not… I thought they meant nothing to you, and that’s the only reason why I didn’t stop you. But lately…”  
Loki was sad, but Toni… Toni wasn’t. She didn’t want to hope, but…  
“I have seen the signs and I know you want more than what I want to give. I… I hate sex. No, wait.” Loki interrupted herself, no doubt after feeling Toni take a deep breath to talk. “You might want to say a lot of bullshit and I am tired of hearing things like ‘find the one’ or if I’m really lucky, that you’ll be celibate for me. Well, I have tried, I have done acrobatics to fit in someone’s life, and I don’t want to be the one blamed of not giving you what you need, of being selfish, of ‘starving’ you. I don’t want to be blamed when you cheat and excuse yourself saying it is a phisiological need. So maybe I should let you have a choice, but you don’t get a say in this.”   
Toni tightened the embrace, hardly knowing where to start.   
“Don’t. Not now, not after finally finding someone who won’t tell me to just relax and enjoy. Don’t just leave. I’ve grown used to the idea of growing old and watching my friends get partners and kids and leaving me behind and since you appeared…” Toni nuzzled between Loki’s shoulderblades and enjoyed the silky feel of her hair. “Don’t leave now that you have said what I never dare to say. What I’ve wanted to warn you for weeks, but I kept pushing it off because I’ve scared off enough people already. I’m never treated the same way once I open my mouth and one gets tired of the concerned looks and the wary touches.   
“You’ve said exactly what I wanted and needed to hear; don’t leave me now”.   
They didn’t move. They didn’t dare to break that nameless moment where they were bold enough to hope.   
“Are you inviting chaos and mischief into your life… willingly?”  
“'When am I not’ is the question you are looking for.”  
Toni knew there would be red lines for both of them, but in that moment she could only bask in the feeling of understanding and the loneliness tentatively retreating.


End file.
